On Monday 16 December, the Australian Government claimed to have “underestimated” defense spending in 2002 by nearly five hundred million dollars. This is a huge sum for a country like Australia, which has a miniscule defense budget suited to its tiny population of less than twenty million people.

            Government ministers faced media cameras with poker faces, hinting strongly that as a result of the excessive spending, defense cuts would have to be made at the “sharp end”. What this means, for example, is that the fabled Special Air Service (SAS) might have to make do with inferior equipment while on operational duty in Afghanistan, or even in Iraq while hunting President Saddam Hussein, if ordered to do so by American President George W. Bush.

            Of course the  $500 million wasn’t really “missing” at all. Australian Ministers lie on television every day and 16 December was no different from any other. The politicians had known for more than a year that five hundred million dollars was to be spent on special equipment regarded as “Top Secret”, but all were desperate to ensure that ordinary Australians would be unable to identify the equipment itself, or indeed its purpose.

            No matter how vital to national security the new special equipment might be, politicians knew there would be a public outcry when the SAS and other regiments later had their budgets deliberately slashed. Downgrading SAS and other army equipment to the point where individual survival on active service might become difficult or impossible, would produce an unwelcome Australian public backlash of unpredictable magnitude.

            The $500 million was actually spent over a period of several months in 2002, during which six new highly specialized aircraft were delivered to a Royal Australian Air Force [RAAF] base located near Canberra, home of Australia's Federal Parliament. Later in this report we will tear away the veil of government secrecy completely, and examine this new “Top Secret” equipment in minute detail, because surface appearances can be very deceptive.

            Delivery of the six aircraft was spaced out, with each arriving in Australia individually, normally under cover of darkness. Viewed from the outside, the mixed aircraft appeared to resemble two Boeing 737-800 long-range airliners, and four Bombardier Challenger 604 twinjets, but there the resemblance ended. Their actual purpose remained a mystery to members of the Australian public.

            Security was so tight, that on one occasion Australian Prime Minister John Winston Howard [“President Winston” to his close friends], personally blocked eager media personnel who were trying to board the aircraft to take pictures. Puffing out his manly little chest, President Winston cited national security and had the photographers swiftly escorted out of the hangar. Obviously these aircraft were of huge importance to Australian national security, and so utterly secret that no ordinary Australian citizen would ever be allowed to look inside.

            As you might expect, rumors started slowly circulating throughout the various Australian military units, with members of each unit predictably certain that the new aircraft were intended solely for “their” own use. Right at the top of this list were members of the SAS, who collectively comprise the “pointed tip” of the “sharp end” referred to by the politicians. Required to fly to “Muslim hot spots” instantly at the snap of George W. Bush’s evangelical finger in the ongoing Judeo-Christian Crusade against Islam, the Australian SAS traditionally boards a handful of truly ancient RAAF Boeing 707s for rapid transit to the Middle East.

            To actually fly in one of these geriatric Boeings at all, is probably bravery above and beyond the call of duty, because one of their cousins suddenly dived  into the Pacific Ocean a few years ago, killing its entire Australian crew. No one really found out why the 707 crashed because there wasn’t enough time for a Mayday call, but terminal metal fatigue seemed the most likely culprit. Ever since then, brave Australian troops obliged to fly in one of the creaking and groaning survivor 707s, invariably do so with white knuckles gripping the seats.

           Bearing in mind the obvious dangers, it was no surprise when earlier this year members of the SAS became convinced that the new aircraft in Canberra were for their own exclusive use on special operations. This rumor had substance, because each of the latest Boeing 737-800s has a range of nearly 4,000 miles and can carry 173 soldiers, roughly the same number as the ancient Boeing 707s

            Nations as small as Australia should not buy new aircraft of course, because they really cannot afford them, but since 9/11 this has not been necessary.  Relatively young low-hour commercial airliners are out there for sale at knockdown bargain basement prices, meaning that $500 million would be more than enough to completely replace Australia’s small fleet of geriatric Boeing 707s.

            A mere two hours on the Internet proved that it is possible to buy [six] low-hour 250-seat Boeing 757 aircraft of recent vintage [circa 1990-1992], and fit them with combi freight doors and long range tanks – all for less than the $500 million that President Winston and his cronies spent on themselves during 2002.

            This alone would increase Australia’s long-range rapid response transport capability by 50% overnight,  allowing military personnel to travel in safety aboard modern turbofan aircraft, and facilitate the rapid airlift of civilians after emergencies such as earthquakes in Java, or Israeli bombs detonated in Bali

           If a pompous upstart Australian politician still feels the need to “arrive” overseas in a splendid highly polished jet, Australians could copy what the Royal Air Force does with British Prime Minister Tony Blair: Chuck two rows of first-class seats in the front of one of its standard transport jets, temporarily call it “VIP Flight Blah”, and stick a big impressive flag out of the cockpit window. The RAF has been doing exactly this to countless “important” British politicians for at least thirty years, and not one of them has ever dared to complain. All lesser British politicians fly on scheduled British Airways flights

             So what can ordinary Australians do about a corrupt Prime Minister and his cronies who steal $500 million of the defense budget to spend on themselves, thereby depriving military personnel of critical equipment needed to protect their own lives in war, or while in transit to and from a war zone in Iraq that 80% of ordinary Australians object to? Because Australian politicians have quietly slipped right over the edge into a Fascist or Communist dictatorship or proletariat [you choose whichever you feel more comfortable with], there is probably only one realistic solution.

            When George W. Bush calls on behalf of Ariel Sharon for Australian military assistance to illegally remove President Hussein, in order to steal Iraq’s oil reserves, ordinary Australians should march on Canberra and herd all 400+  politicians onto the six new shiny bordellos at the nearby Royal Australian Air Force base. Most politicians will have to sit on the floor of the various aircraft, because there are only a limited number of sumptuous padded leather seats, but the powerful jet engines will easily manage to get all 400+ politicians airborne and on their way.

            The Australian politicians' combined diplomatic mission should be to fly direct to Baghdad, and tell President Hussein face-to-face that he “has to go”, a demand hitherto made only from the absolute safety of a padded Canberra television studio. There will be risks on the way to Baghdad of course, especially those associated with aggressive and downright dangerous American and British fighters illegally patrolling Iraq’s southern “No Fly Zone”.

            The twitchy fighter pilots will obviously suspect a trap, and almost certainly respond by shooting down all six Australian flying bordellos before they can cross the southern Kuwaiti-Iraqi border. This is an acceptable risk for a large bunch of out-of-control politicians, who blatantly defy the wishes of the Australian people, and instead agree to sacrifice Australian lives on direct orders from Washington and Tel Aviv.

            There is a very big “up side” to this strategy. Thousands of assorted Australian political body parts could  be scraped up from the Kuwaiti desert and shipped home cheaply in plastic waste bags by sea freight, and ordinary Australians would be able to claim the $500 million [American] insurance on the six flying bordellos. This money could then be spent on replacing Australia’s entire long-range fleet with the six combi Boeing 757s, or even more novel perhaps, it could be used to build twenty new hospitals

"Arming yourself with Knowledge is the best form of defence"

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